I'm going to start by saying....yes! the one in the picture is me! I was 4 years old and I loved to dance. And the dress was actually my mom's! Cute story, right? Very! but this is only the introduction to something much deeper. So let's get into it!
There is a powerful statement written by Maria Montessori about how the child builds himself: “Impressions do not merely enter a child’s mind; they form it.”
As we grow, our little brains are fed with all type of information from our environment. Information that little by little, as we grow, is shaping our personality. The most powerful information comes from our family or caregivers. But we forget that those adults, have their own personal experiences. They were children once, so their brains were fed with someone else's information that shaped their personality. And before them, same thing happened to their ancestors. None of them, nor us, were taught to BE OURSELVES. But it's time that we bring our awareness to ourselves and connect with who we were meant to be, not only for us, but also, for our future generations. See? I told you the cute story had a deeper point!
4 years ago, when I started the powerful Healing Journey I went through, I discovered that many of my personality traits were not mine at all.
According to my therapist (and I am going to say this very briefly, otherwise this post should be turned into a 300 pages book, lol!), I took over my mom's pain and I put upon my shoulders the responsibility to protect her. I took that decision when I was only 5 years old. And I did it, based on what I heard and what was happening around me. Following with the previous paragraph idea, my brain was fed by my current environment at that time.
One of the things I discovered, was that taken over that responsibility is one of the reasons why I grew up into a woman who was subconsciously convinced that she was responsible for everything and everyone around her. Plus, I discovered that this is where the multitasking, control freak, OCD, chronic anxiety and "I cannot be less than perfect" kind of behaviors came from (I know...wow!!).
By the way, if you have any toxic behavior and you have never questioned where they come from...girl! Start NOW! I promise your life will change and you will feel as light as a feather!
During my powerful healing journey, the instruction from my therapist, was to go back in time and start remembering what I was like when I was little. And I chose to use a meditation to do it.
The first memories I could retrieve, was me at the age of 4, looking out the window and waiting for my Dad to come home, because I had a new "dance" I had created and I needed him to see me dancing! The way I could revive that moment was extremely powerful for me. It felt so real and it brought me so much joy. I could remember how much I liked to dance, to create new moves following the beats and singing along as I danced.
Next, my brain pushed me forward in time, and I saw myself at 24 years old. A time I was struggling at university because I wanted to quit Law School.
The moment I collapsed, was actually when I finished my job as a Liaison for APEC Economies in November 2004. Let me tell you about this briefly, so you can understand.
I got a job in 2004, working for a department of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs that was in charge to coordinate different activities for every single Economy (country) member of Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC). I worked as a Liaison for New Zealand, assisting them in, literally, whatever! lol!
Seriously, liaisons had to resolved issues from "how can I get a cab?" to "Help me contact the secretary of the Ministry of Economy of China for a bilateral meeting" (true case, and I did make the meeting happen!).
This was the most exciting job I ever had. Everything was fast, there was so much information everywhere, there were people for 21 different countries, we had to create structures but also change them all the time to fit the changing circumstances (authorities are like rock stars, what can I say!). This job made me feel alive and it gave me so much joy. Basically, the same way dancing used to make me feel when I was 4.
Now you may be wondering...why were you struggling if you were so happy? Well, because what I did at APEC was not even close to study Law or even become a Lawyer. I started to realize there was no way I could have such a vibrant job as a lawyer. And, well, I guess that my survival instinct pushed me to choose the most similar area I could find, which is Intellectual Property (don't get me wrong, I loved to be a trademark attorney, but it just couldn't fill such large shoes).
And so, as I navigated into those memories, I found myself recalling my "irresponsible stage" which was actually my deep depression state. This was a time when I started to skip classes at university and refused to get out of my bed for entire weeks! I remembered that the only thing I wanted to do was to go out, almost every night, to a dance club that I loved. And just dance and dance and dance, the whole night non stop. I remember how much I enjoyed the music. How excited I felt when my favorite songs were played. Just almost as happy as I felt when I was 4 dancing for my dad (remember my previous post about my brain stroke? Well, it was around this time when I started to use alcohol as a coping mechanism).
Finally, when my meditation was over, I opened my eyes and I thought "WHY THE HELL DID I DECIDE TO BE A LAWYER? WHY DIDN'T I JUST DROP OUT OF LAW SCHOOL?!"
Remember what I told you at the beginning? That I put upon my shoulders the responsibility to protect my mom? Well...THAT'S WHY!
All these years I couldn't make sense of my decision to become a Lawyer until I found the real motivation. Because, the truth is that I wanted to be a Journalist or a Chef. And I even attended Journalism School for 1 month, but then I quit and came back to Law School.
Wanna know why I could never drop out of Law School?
Because every time I tried, I felt something was not right. And when I connected all these experiences and memories that I just shared with you, I could remember that every time I tried, I had a feeling that I was not able to rationalize and understand at that moment. And it was the fact that I felt like I was betraying my mom. Because it was my responsibility to protect her. It was my duty to demand JUSTICE for her.
Can you understand now, how we can lose our true-selves as we grow into adulthood?
You will never know what you are missing out, until you decide to reconnect with your childhood. Back in your childhood are your true talents and your true preferences and they are clean from the influence of the environment you grew up in.
And once you allow yourself to connect with that little girl's feelings and the things that gave her joy, you will have to find out the way to bring that happiness back to your current life.
In my case, I remembered that dancing was my main source of joy, but it was not my destiny to become a dancer. What I needed to find now, as a woman, was something that allowed me to live a vibrant life. Something that made me feel the same joy that I felt when I was that little dancer at the age of 4.
Took me only 24 years to find it! (lol). But no regrets, I only see valuable experiences that helped me become who I am today. Personally and professionally. A woman that I'm sure my little-self is proud of.
My current job as a Health and Life Coach allows me to feel joy every time I see a woman connecting with herself, loving herself, feeling grateful and experiencing such a life transformation that they are capable to transcend their limitations (which is much more than only overcoming obstacles). And I get to unleash my creativity every time I come up with a new coaching program (the same way I used to unleash my creativity with my dancing moves!)
My current job makes my life as vibrant as it was when I had that job back in 2004.
I ignored my little girl for too many years. But not anymore. I am and will always be that little girl and I've decided to welcome a constant state of pure and real joy into my life.
Now you tell me, are you willing to take a trip back in time to let your little girl lead you where your real joy lies?
Thank you for reading and I hope this may be of inspiration for you. I'll be here with a new post every Wednesday!
Loads of love for you!
Andie