Hello there!! I skipped last Wednesday, I know! But I was super concentrated in shaping “Heal your brain to change” Challenge. If you haven’t start it yet, what are you waiting for?! You can access for free during June and July. Just subscribe to my mailing list (it’s totally free!) and you’ll get the discount code to join.
In today’s article I wanted to write something very empowering for you, especially for women! If you feel miserable because you’re growing old, well then misery is what you can expect for your life! Even your skin will reflect that misery. And never forget: your cells listen to your thoughts! So be very mindful with what you allow in your mind.
To be very honest, when I turned 30, I was God damned depressed! I felt old, miserable, like I had achieved nothing relevant in my life and I also felt soooo alone even though I was in a relationship (a very crappie one, to be honest)
Let's see all the above feelings in detail, shall we?:
1. I felt depressed because I turned 30: now I know that the number wasn’t the problem. The problem was my mindset.
2. I felt old: because I was doing zero exercise, my nutrition was horrible because I didn’t know I was gluten intolerant and I didn’t know that lactose free is a creation of the market so if you’re lactose intolerant you CAN’T eat dairy, period. So, I was suffering a huge internal inflammation that was destroying my metabolism, my hormones and, at a cellular level, my humanity was aging too fast because of those ailments.
3. I felt miserable, like I’ve achieved nothing relevant I my life: this was a complete lack of awareness. I honestly feel curious to know if the majority of people are truly happy complying with the general accepted idea of “success”.
When I turned 30, I felt I had done nothing relevant because all my friends and ex-classmates from law school were making MBA’s, PhD’s or any post-graduated studies that may add to their curriculum. And plus, they were working their butts off. And, at the same time, they were getting engaged or getting married and starting to choose their family homes and making a list of baby names.
And me? My heart was with my band. I was 70% of the day creating my vocal lines for new songs because we were working on our second independent album (it was a hobby we took extremely serious, please don't think we were pros, lol!). I truly didn’t care about having MBA’s or getting married or choosing baby names. I just wanted to feel joy. I didn’t know how or where to find it, but that’s a topic for another article! (because now I know).
My point is…I didn’t care about social constructions, I felt like I didn’t need those things to be successful, but the problem was that I was not emotionally healthy (this idea is key! keep reading…)
4. I felt so alone, even though I was in a relationship at the moment. Oh my gosh, how to begin with this one! I think an affirmation comes into place here: “you are never going to find true love, if you don’t work hard on your emotional healing first”.
The boyfriend I had when I was 30 was a great guy. But he was as emotionally hurt as I was. He was chronically jealous, he had childhood issues with his father, and a long etc! It wasn’t easy for me to end up the relationship, because since I was also emotionally hurt, his jealousy to me was perceived as “caring”. So, I wouldn’t leave him because "he cared for me". I thought he loved me so much, that’s why he was so jealous and felt threatened by every single guy that said hello to me. And, on the other hand, I needed so badly to feel needed, appreciated, heard and seen.
That’s a beautiful analysis, right? The problem is that I had no idea of what I just wrote back then!
In brief, when I turned 30, I felt like I was turning 80. I felt my life was ending. I felt like I had nothing. I felt miserable. I was comparing myself to everyone around me, not because I wanted to be like them, but because I was not sure of who I wanted to be.
When you have a childhood that scars your self-esteem, you are prone to become a people pleaser and to copy social constructions because it feels safe to be part of “the tribe”. Basically, because if you achieve the general idea of success, you’ll get validation and admiration from your peers. And that is going to be felt and received by you like “the love you’re lacking”.
WHAT CHANGED WHEN I TURNED 40?
Pretty much nothing, I'm afraid to say. LOL!!! I was still feeling lost, living a social construction, I had become a mom feeling emotionally ill. Someone that was destroying her children’s emotional and mental health. Someone with deep marital issues (remember the affirmation I wrote above!), but this time I didn’t feel miserable anymore. I was emotionally disconnected.
And the problem was that the only emotions I was feeling was rage, fear and a constant need to defend myself, aggressively.
So, the day I turned 40 I remember I thought “enough is enough!”. I took the decision to be better. How? I had no freaking idea! But I was determined to do it.
The phrase “you need to hit rock bottom” is so true. It was popularized by Alcoholics Anonymous and it means that a person has reached a point where they have nothing else to lose. And this is why they are willing to accept help and work towards change. I think it sucks! But it works, because people finally find their way out of misery.
So, I hit rock bottom and I could rise and reborn like a phoenix!
There’s a quote by Nelson Mandela that I love that goes like this...
“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall”.
Now, how do we do this? How can we rise instead of getting sick? or even commit suicide? (Sounds horrible, but this is a reality), because there’s a limited amount of pain that every person can take at once, right?
For me, it was plugging myself into my beliefs again. And also doing something called “to be fully present”. And to do it I committed to:
Feel the pain. I did take drugs prescribed by a psychiatrist because I needed them otherwise, I was going to lose it. But that numbness has got to stop at some point if you want to truly heal.
Practice self-compassion by reframing my negative thoughts (this is a tough one!)
Taking responsibility for my life, because I was the only one who could change my life for good.
Connect with myself and be curious about where I wanted to direct my life.
All I did was crucial to learn how to feel. We don’t feel, we survive. And this is exactly what got me and so many people absolutely broken.
I am in my forties right now and I feel more alive, energized and empowered than I ever felt in my 20’s and here’s why:
I have been through a lot, I have overcome so many things in my life, so I have learnt to be grateful an appreciate what others may not even see.
I have learnt to be compassionate with myself. And this is better than self-esteem, since you don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about yourself. When you are self-compassionate, you are kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when you fail, make mistakes or feel inadequate. You give yourself support and encouragement rather than being cold and judgmental when challenges and difficulty arise in your lives.
Being a mom has helped me to heal childhood wounds and, ultimately, allow pain to transform into wisdom and empowerment for personal growth.
And this one is shallow! LOL! I’m soooo Fit! I never ever dreamt to have a six pack when I was 20, basically, because there was this “trend” to be skinny to the bone, literally! Does anyone remember that the hip bone was considered sexy? Oblique muscles are sexy!! not bones!
And last, but not least, finding the right nutrition for me was the cherry on top of what I needed to give a rejuvenated boost to my cells! (yes, cells! investigate more about that please!)
Why you should appreciate being in your 40’s?
Because you may not realize now, but you have all the wisdom and experience to heal and overcome whatever it is you’ve been enduring all these years!
Because you have the maturity to organize your life and achieve your goals and you can become truly unstoppable.
Because, if you look twice, you truly don't give a rats ass what others think, right? You're just there sleeping in the idea of taking decisions, so I'm here to tell you...GO!!
And, because you deserve to be happy.
As I write this, I have taken the last important decision in my life in order to live it with heart and brain coherence (hope you read the previous article). Life's too short to overthink. Less mind and more heart, that's my new modjo.
Think about all these! These are one of the topics I talk to my clients in coaching sessions and is so entertaining, liberating and empowering to see them find the way to start their own personal growth.
Thank you for reading.
Loads of love,
Andie